Don't mind the spaghetti sauce!

I am a grateful person, I think it's very sweet when people give me gifts and I normally appreciate them. My good heart was terribly confused and sent into convulsions yesterday as I opened a gift from the Crotch yesterday.

Are you ready? No, I honestly do not think so.



BOOM.

No, seriously. What? First of all, I am 27 years old and never in the entire year that I've worked here have I ever worn anything that would give someone the idea that I would wear this sweater. I mean, as fly as it is, I save these kinds of sweaters for my weekend rendezvous with my sugar daddies.

This was my initial shock. I opened the package and unfolded the sweater and noticed it is covered in stains. Not just normal oh shit these wouldn't come off in the wash stains but stains that were still crunchy. It's like someone wore the sweater, spilled portions of their entire meal all over and then this bitch wrapped it up. WOW! Thanks! This is the most magical gift I will ever receive. Ever.

She stood there beaming with pride that I seemed to love this beautiful sweater. As I thanked her and tried to put it away, I put my finger through a hole in the damn sweater.

Alright, let's go over the facts.
1: Pasta buffett on the sweater? Check.
2: Mouse holes in the sweater? Double Check.
3: It's a 1x, the fat girl should get it. Triple Check.

A few minutes later, she returns and says to me 'WELL! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT? YOU LOVE IT RIGHT? I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT FOR YOU! Does it fit?! If it doesn't fit, you should lose weight!!!'

Please push the pause button, you can return to MarioKart after these brief messages.

Bitch, WHAT?!

You gave me a box of chocolate covered cookies and this beautiful sweater but suggest losing weight before I wear the sweater? Are you a double agent plotting my demise? EAT EAT EAT EAT FEEL BAD LOSE WEIGHT WEAR SWEATER.

I guess I'll be the flyest looking bitch at the Christmas party.